I have these moments almost everyday as Im sure most people do, where Im working, hearing a certain song that opens a box of memories... I love how music can do that, how it can tap into these areas & bring faces of good & bad times.... I was talking to someone online yesterday, we were going back in time, talking about how far we've come since 1994.. Jesus when I think about the 2 years before that & a few after, I have to do this mental stop in my tracks kinda thing where a small smile slides out..
Its important to remember your past, its not something that should be thrown out with the rest of your trash.. Up until 2002, before I was thrown in jail for a year for counterfitting old twenty dollar bills, I had these ways of not thinking before acting, doing things with no worries at all for consequence.. Its not like people didnt try to tell me either, I was just so stubborn to any kind of authority.. Most people are somewhat familiar with teenage rebellion, but the more I think about it, I kinda think I was something past that.. I grew up entirely too fast for my age, not being able to really handle alot of these adult situations I was willingly throwing myself into.. Slowly, month after month, I was knee high into a life that was leading to the middle of fuckin nowhere.. I think I spent a whole summer, every other night, in & out of Arety's Angels, becoming a regular with my friends who were always walking in stride with me.. I fell in love with that kind of life, becoming almost a vampire even, waking up only when the moon came out..
Im still not sure why I was hiding the better part of me.. Close friends saw me for who I was, a soft spoken person, someone with a very strong passion for things I held dear to me.. But others who didnt know me, basically only saw me as someone who drank entirely too much, smoked like a chimney & made all his money from drugs.. It was a lifestyle I chose & at times felt like it was the only thing I was good for.. The nights belonged to me while the moonlight became a part of my mind..
Whats hard for me to swallow sometimes, is that it took so much shit for me to wake up & realize the direction I was heading at such a young age.. Having your freedom taken from you, everything you know changes.. I think the day where reality really set in, the day where I felt completly alone in the world, was the day I was sentenced.. Walking with these cold steel ankle cuffs, in a single file line, transported in a van that was more like a metal oven, I remember the feeling that this was a day that was going to change my life, I would either get off easy or be transported back to my cell to do my time.. There was this hope somewhere in the back of my mind that I might go home..
I was in a concrete holding cell, still cuffed in a backroom of the courthouse, they were calling everyone one by one in alphabetical order, my last name starting with B, it didnt take long.. They called my name & the backdoor slowly opened to a courtroom, the judge was already on the bench, friends & family members were scattered about in the audience.. I walked slowly, feeling like a complete piece of shit, an embarassing feeling that I dont ever wanna feel again.. I turned my head to the right, my Mom & Dad were sitting front and center, looking at me with these helpless eyes, they wanted to just reach out & take me home.... God my mom, I never wanted to hurt her like that.. That moment will always be etched in me..
They read out the charges against me.. It all came out so slow, "Mr. Bartley I gave you a chance, and your back here in front of me.. Do you have anything to say in your defense?" I told him that I know stupidity isnt an excuse to break the law, & that Im here to face whatever judgement he thought was necessary.. I sat that whole morning thinking about what I was going to say to him, I thought about what I would want to hear if I was a Judge looking down on someone in my same shoes.. He looked at me with that same face, not one expression changed, like he'd seen someone just like me a million times over.. I was just a name & a number to him.. When he said the words "One year in the County Jail", I think my heart fell into my stomach.. I glanced over at my mom, she had her hands in her face,she moved her hands & locked eyes with me, her makeup was smeared slightly, I could see the tears falling down her cheeks.. As quick as I came in, I was led out, I glanced at my parents and continued walking, ankle cuffs clinking together, out of the courthouse.. Later that night after the lights went out, it really hit me.. I crawled over in my bunk & burried my face in my pillow, I cried quietly, not wanting everyone around me to hear.. I cried until I was out of breath..
It really messed with me for about a month, knowing that I was going to miss so many things.. I was lucky to have people that cared about me, that helped me get through that insanely dark phase.. Holly Noel, my heart at the time, I dont think I could of ever gotten through it without her..
Mental support is such an important thing while your in there, there's alot of times where you tend to believe that everyone's forgotten about you, that your on the planet farthest from earth.. Her letters, her visits, the $1.50 a minute phone calls, it saved me in a way, it let me know that I was still important to her, it was exactly what I needed & she knew that.. I looked at her picture everyday, I drew a strength from it that I could never put into words, I'll always love you for that Holly..
What that experience did for me was change alot of the things I took for granted, I still slipped from time to time after that but for the most part I was a completly different person.. It was kinda crazy how I got hit with a double whammy, being locked up for a year, released to a different mindset of life, then told my mom had terminal cancer & dead in a year.. Thinking back it was hard, but one thing that has always gotten me through everything, is the thought that someone out there has it much worse.. I wouldnt take back anything even if I could do it all over again, I really wouldnt..
I cant even talk anymore..
Its kinda sureal when I think about how different my life is, thinking back to April 11th 2006, the day of my last real entry.. Im sitting here trying to sort through all the different memories, trying to really understand everything for what its worth.. I take a deep breath, going from one end of my mind to the other, images of the past year, people I care about, smiles, laughter, people I've hurt, the pain I never meant to cause..
Its an amazing thing the mind is, it'll lead you in so many different directions, sometimes leaving you in places you'd rather not be.. But it also brings you the kinda love & peace of mind that most of us strive for.. I've been on a journey this year, really for the first time, finding out what exactly Im capable of, putting myself out there for the world to see.. Trying to find balance in your life can be an extremely lonely road, there's certain people I have to thank for seeing through me, understanding me when not a word was said, the kinda things you'll never be able to repay..
My love is something that stems from an amazing power source, it was planted long ago by my mother, & year by year she showed an amazing face, leaving inside of me the instructions on how to give love, how to open your heart for the better.. Its something my son feels now, you can see it when he sleeps next to you, when he smiles at you & through his eyes tells you how much you mean to him.. Its a complete trust that shines from that source..
When I think about where these last few years have gone, the choices I've made & everything inbetween, I almost dont know what to think.. I just think.. entirely too much sometimes... Its amazing the response I usually get when I say that, 90% of people say they agree completly.. We're all moving at such a fast pace, our minds never wanting to stop for a second & look around.. Learning to stop & breathe, to take everything in around you and always remember that this is all a gift, that your just a small star in the universe, that everythings unfolding as it should, is something Im so proud of..
I feel so far away sometimes, at night mostly. Lately I tend to just live in my head, dreams upon dreams that never seem to end.. I get lost in the moon, seeing each phase, week after week, its become an obsession, wondering if the people I love are looking up at the same time... I was flying to Texas earlier this month, having a beer at 34,000 feet, it was probably the best one I've ever had, I sipped on it for an hour.. I'd never seen the moon so bright in my life, I held onto my necklace, the small turqouise piece I found in my mothers jewerly box the day after she died. Holding it, being so high in the sky, above every single cloud, I wondered how much higher I had to go to get to heaven, that maybe you could see it if you just opened your heart & looked closely..
Till my next chapter.. I love u all
Sep. 15th, 2006 @ 09:15 pm
September the 15th, 2006 .. Im looking at my last journal entry, April 11th..
I wouldnt know where to begin if I sat here and talked about where I've been, what I've seen, and the amazing memories I've had. There were so many nights where I'd be staring at the sky, almost completely alone in thought, but surrounded by people I loved, in a place a long way from Florida..
The kinda thoughts you wanna hang on to forever.. I miss talking on here, I remember I used to come here all the time, saying whatever came out..
I will talk more later.. I have so much to say, in so many different ways.. .
Its like there's this voice that tries to break through sometimes, a voice inside me that carries every feeling & every single emotion on its sleeve. I've tried to sit & write sooner. With so many different things that've happened since the end of February, Im not sure if I was afraid to actually face the things I needed to say, or just to lazy to even try..
I wont go into details about why Im home from South Texas, I've put to rest the reasons for comming back to Florida. Some situations in my life I wont get into on here, I dont like airing dirty laundry for the rest of my world to smell, some things are just better left unsaid..
Today is April the 11th, with tomorrow being a year to the day my mom passed. I feel like no matter what I say, theres still not going be any kinda answer to my questions to God. When March turned to April, I knew that for the next few weeks, I was in for an emotional mind fuck. I turn 23 on April 16th, the date of her wake last year. I pray for strength all the time, for the courage to look past alot of the things Im feeling. So I read the news & see that every day someone out there has it worse, I find some kinda sick comfort in that.
In January when my sister was Married, my Aunt brought with her a home video tape from 1991, I was 8 years old & annoying as shit... I watched it for the firstime recently, so grateful that there was a tape out there somewhere. I could actually hear her voice again. I watched it twice & didnt cry once. I was so drawn into it, like living it for the first time. I tried so hard to remember everything that was playing out in front of me, all I could remember were images though.
I went with a friend to visit her late Grandmother, having Death in common with someone, makes it easier & also helps you understand that other people are hurting just like you. I stepped away to give her the time alone she needed, when walking I passed the grave of a 16 year old boy. There was a passage written that moved me, it was almost like I was soposed to read it. I went to the car, grabbed a pen & ripped a piece of paper off something in the glove compartment.
"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, Id' walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.."
For every tear thats fallen, & every fuck you I've said to someone, there's a piece of me that will still be missing.. For the past year, I've been dealing with her passing, going through each holiday anew, saying to myself that this is what it's like, This is what its's like to go through death.
& no matter what I say, or what I do, Im no Superman, I cant change the tides of fate, there is a reason Im missing her everytime I look to the stars..
I pray that she's with me, watching & telling me that no matter what happens, she'll be by my side.. Im actually lookin out the kitchen window right now, with the sky a dark orange, ready for the sun to set into another night. I wanna send a kiss to the sky & throw a tear to the moon, beacause in another life of mine, there's something that wants to just say fuck this shit..
I've been giving more thought to the word "life" lately.. You think you know, shit I hope I know, but the truth is, we're all learnin' something new each & every day...
.. I listen to "Simple Man", & a part of me just falls down.. I wish you could see what I feel ..
Current Music: Simple Man..
In my head, where all my imagination runs wild, to the darkest corners we can think of.
Is where I find myself this gorgeous day. Its been awhile since I've sat down at this screen, sometimes I like to think of it as putting my head on straight, setting the clock, something like that..
I wanna talk about a few things concerning my absence. I'd like to believe that everyone I have listed as a friend noticed, its really a nice thought. The truth though, is that maybe a handfull really began to wonder what happened to me. People close to me know a few odd details, only really knowing the bullshit story I put on my face that day.
Decemeber was by far the hardest month, emotionally, realizing my mother was dead. Im not sure If I can pinpoint what exactly triggered this, or what made me say fuck that. But I think it was somewhere in the Christmas lights. They started showing up in late November, & seemed to be everywhere by Pearl Harbor. I remember sitting passenger, smoking herb & hearing the music fill my ears, driving and seeing lights in every fuckin yard. Automatically there was this remorse, this disgust in my mouth that wanted to be spit out. In each window we passed, a tree would shine. Somewhere in that thought, a memory that was locked away, would dust itself off & sit down right in the middle of my mind.
I started hearing things, & before you discard me as crazy, hear me out. I would hear the voices of my family, the snap of a camera with laughter behind it. Moms voice, hearing it like a whisper in my ear. I would take this all in, thinking "this is normal Chris, this is your first Christmas without your mother, just take a deep breath." When people talk of daydreams, you couldnt imagine how Ironic it was, Sometimes I really had to question if I was losing some sense of sanity.
Every morning I would wake up, do the normal get together routine, & start looking for a way to bury Christmas. I wasnt wearing a sign that said "fuck santa" or anything, but it was more in the complete silence that became me, the sick feeling in my stomach when I walked past a Salvation Army tin. "go fuck yourself" I would say in my mind, the sounds of that bell ringing so loud I could just take it & throw it to the moon..
There wasnt' but a handfull of people that actually knew what was going on with me. Every day I was grateful that I had atleast a few people that I could come to, I would never have to say a word, when i couldnt, they could always see through this dark veil of mine..
I found peace of mind in only a few things, a dear friend whom I believe Im connected forever now. Music, which has always been here for me, and a TV show called Smallville.. I know it sounds kinda funny, but I've had this obsession with Superman, much like my obsession for Star Wars, since I was a young child.
Between all of that, I would play middle man for everyone & they're illegal needs. I wont dab into too many details, but there were many nights were I felt the only way to bury Christmas, to close the book on so many emotions, was to drown it in beer, or to smoke it & let it blow away.. I would cloud my mind, my better judgement, for the easier & less painful route. It was too fuckin easy to just snort a line, turn the music up, and pretend like I was in a Galaxy far, far away...
I left the month of Decemeber with only my pride & the money in my pocket. I had broke it off with my girlfriend the night before New Years Eve, but spent New Years eve with her. I wish there were words I could put to her face, but sometimes it seems a little more than that. I really think that if I spent a few hours tryin to talk about what she meant to me, about how she put me in check without even knowing it, I still dont think I could do it justice..Only she'll know what this means, but I'll never roll a pair of dice the same way again..
I left Florida last week, it was almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For the past 8 years its where I called home, I had a friend in every neighborhood from top to bottom, & I think in a way, that was my downfall, no matter where I went, I couldnt get away from a quarter ounce of coke being thrown in my face. In turn, I couldnt turn down the offer. I became so spoiled on easy money, I didnt see the point in working 60 hours a week for $8 an hour, when I could make anywhere from $50-300 an hour in a 25 second transaction. I understood the price you pay more than alot of people, I know what its like to have your freedom taken away at the drop of a dime, but somewhere in this screwed head of mine, Im able to say fuck it & just risk it.
I didnt wake up until it was almost crashing down on me, until every fuckin thing inside me was telling me to just walk away, It was then when I heard Robert DeNiro whispering in me ear.."Do not let yourself get attached to anything your not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you see the heat around the corner."
I came to Texas, a town called Kingsville, about 20 minutes from Corprus Christi, where my feelings feel raw for the first time. Im in a place where no one knows me, where I feel like I can leave every pissed off emotion in the piss hole it's in.. Life is what it is ya know. Under every doormat, it seems like there's a new key, it opens the door for new choices, new decisions, a chance to really stand back a minute & try to be the person I know I can be. I only pray, that in my time of Solitude, my angels will guide me away from the demon I became..
I love you all..I always have
Current Music: Fade Into You..
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I've finally came out of my cave, if not for a whole while, a few minutes to share my alter ego with my internet people over on yalls side of the world..|
The week has been a collection of Sureal events, a few nights where I could sit & talk about all kinds of shit, different people with different faces, a few times where I thought I was going pass out, a few times where the inner demon in me made a case to the world, wanting to be let free without any regrets..
I will be back, in a few..
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""Victory will be achieved by meeting certain objectives: when the terrorists and Saddamists can no longer threaten Iraq's democracy, when the Iraqi security forces can protect their own people and when Iraq is not a safe haven for terrorists to plot attacks against our country," he said. |
"These objectives, not timetables set by politicians in Washington, will drive our force levels in Iraq."
--- who the fuck does he think he is?
a politician in washington ..aka. george w. bush
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"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But its more than that, isnt it? The most important things lie to close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. You make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst I think, When the secret stays locked within not for want of teller, but for want of an understanding ear."|
|» dead silence..|
I know times are changing, with the conclusion of 2005, Im finding myself thinking about how long a year really is. This whole thing has been kinda sureal, with life changing emotions & everything in between. At times I feel like a part of me was dipped in concrete, being left to dry & harden, needing a fuckin sledgehammer to put even the smallest crack.|
I look into my heart, trying to figure myself out, wishing I could understand alot of the things I feel. I'll sit there some nights smoking my cigarette, blowing the smoke out with the cold air, wishing on the stars & at the same time, seeing the ghosts of Christmas' pasts... I dreamed the other night that the moon was crumbling. Like a cookie, the crumbs were falling all over the place. I think about my dreams often, sometimes not really understanding what some images' mean. I go to dream dictionary's all the time, thinking maybe they have an answer. I've found that alot of the definations are the same, not really giving answers, but more of just telling you what you wanna hear.
Lifes secrets are many, with events and feelings we're not meant to understand. We deal with them the best we can, hoping that someday one of our dreams will come true, having faith that there's a place for me also. That in this beautiful world of ours, Im not forgotten..